When I Silence the Bully in My Brain

I just wrote this in response to a comment on Facebook:

I often bully myself into drawing a very bold line between personal and professional obligations – prioritizing completing the professional ones before I attend to the personal ones. This NEVER works, but I do it anyway. But then I’ll get to a breaking point, and in the middle of crazy stressful deadlines, I’ll go shopping and take myself out to lunch. And then I get all my work done. You’d think I’d learn…

Most of the time, I don’t have much trouble striking a balance between my professional and personal obligations. Most of the time.

Most of the time, I’m fair to myself. Most of the time, the bold lines I draw help me focus on whatever I’m doing at that moment. When I relieve the babysitter at 4:30, my work is done for the day (or it’s done at least until later in the evening). I’ve always done my best to keep work out of my weekends. And when I’m working to a deadline, my work time is sacrosanct. I often refuse to answer the phone (even more than usual, anyway). I don’t make as many social plans so I can conserve my energy for the intense work. I allow myself to cancel non-essential plans.

But sometimes? Sometimes I’m an absolute prick to myself.

In the “interest” of my lengthy work to-do list, I put off haircuts, relaxation, social plans, time to daydream and doodle and otherwise keep my creativity fueled. I’m an utter asshole to myself about it, too. The voice in my head is unrelenting in its harshness as it tells me how uncommitted I must be to want or need those other things, about how weak I am to find it difficult to balance all the factors of my life when one variable is taking up too much room and weight.

But you know? When I punch that fucking bully in the face, I end up feeling far more capable. Every. Time. Every time.

What about you?